Ideas as Energy - Imposter Syndrome & Discipline

I’ve been battling with imposter syndrome in writing and creating this space to share. Why am I doing it? To be seen? Of course. But in today’s social media world, that kind of exposure comes with a lot of self marketing and working. And do I want to do that work (which equals time, my most valuable commodity) without the idea of monetizing? And when you monetize, does that take the authenticity out of it?

Pause. Deep Breathe.

You can see the anxiety spiral that I find fuels these feelings, and/or sometimes just plain old procrastination. So then I try to think back on the why, well not THE why, but MY why. And the truth is that I need to get these thoughts out. They come into my head, flit around, sometimes run before I can catch them, but sometimes stay long enough for me to write them down and capture them. And sometimes, what comes out is not at all what I expected when the buzzy parts of it were just in my head.

The idea of ideas (haha) as energy, as magic, hit home to me in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book “Big Magic”. I got to see her speak in 2017 at Kripalu (along with her beautiful partner Rayya Elias, who recently passed). Part of the three-day experience was to workshop out voices and ideas and really get in touch with our inner core. But perhaps the most vivid thing that struck me that weekend (besides love) was the discipline needed to be a conduit for ideas.

It is not enough that they are flitting up there (this always evokes the imagery of the scene in Harry Potter with the keys with the wings). But to capture them, to give them voice, to take their fairy wings and turn them into substantial eagle wings with high soaring power or tiny hummingbird wings darting too and fro touching as many people as possible, you need the space to listen. The ability to sit with a pen and paper or computer or whatever medium you choose and not be afraid to mess up. That the next great novel or the viral post of your dreams is not the first or the second, but maybe the 111th or the thousandth (when you make up words). And that's okay.

So, going back to the imposter feelings I had. I had to understand that these feelings will always come up. Maybe they are up there with the actual ideas, or maybe they are inside as part of the channel that helps you receive. This is where discipline helps again. The consistency of accepting who you are, getting to know your thoughts and values and sitting with your fears and doubts. And maybe, this is a harder practice that than actual work of creating. But I can't think of anything more important than simply being.

PS - In true postscript fashion, I will acknowledge that creators may seemingly create something miraculous out of the gate on the first try, and I think the universe blesses them for reasons we can fathom (and aren't supposed to). But I also wonder how their discipline shows (or showed) up in other ways.