A Letter to the Divine - Asking God about our Relationship

Dear God, 

I was tasked to write you a letter expressing how I desire - how I feel I need you to show up in my life. But isn’t even asking that question questioning you? 

I’m a good girl. I have tried to follow all the rules. When I was younger, my survival - a too feeling person in a messy world - depended on it. But now, as an adult, I can be free to lean in to who I truly am a bit more. For you made me this way for a reason. Right? Or did WE make me this way? Was it a choice? It being a choice makes it feel better. 

The image of an old man on a throne just doesn’t feel right. Neither does the image of a solo woman in charge though either. Could you be more than one entity, more than one gender? Could you be the epitome of balance? Could you NOT be polarizing, but instead be found in the union of all things? Is that why we, as humans, have so many beautiful shades? So many infinite possibilities? That’s what I would like to think. That’s what makes sense to me. 

I don’t know what I need from you, but I know I would like to trust you. Trust something. That, yes chaos reigns, but there is something bigger than all of this. That these bodies may be finite, but this wisdom, this love, this energy is from a pool that can be returned to, over and over. We may lose the memories when we come to earth, but they are returned when we come back to you. That we get to return to you. Instead of toiling in conflict repeatedly. 

I love the story of an angel and Lucifer fighting. Stabbing each other to the point where Lucifer drives the angel up the stairs - up and up and up. At the top, they stop and the angel extends his hand and they both ascend together. 

Light cannot exist without the dark, I acknowledge that, but my belief in you, in the divine, in the universe, is that the light is stronger than the dark. The dark is a tool to help balance the energies towards you - towards union with ourselves. 

I guess I do need to know that you are outside of men. That I can’t find you in another person. That no matter what people come or go, I will be ok because I am not alone when I believe in the divine - Divine Timing, Divine Purpose, Divine “plan” - understanding that free will can change things, but so can work put into uplifting the mission of the world. Which I am committed to doing. That maybe that is why I was given the “burden” of lifelong crippling anxiety. To truly understand the despair and fear of being alone and to have acted that out over and over - the holding on, the clinging - and maybe to learn the only relief is in letting go. In the release, there is trust and faith that I will be ok. That I won’t be alone. 

I am grateful I can recognize that being alive now is one of the very few times in history where I have access to learn about the world’s religions in aggregate (the ones that have been written down anyway). I also have access - and acceptance - to be able to have the ability to see the various ways messages have come through ordinary people. In searching through all the documents, points of view, visions - I have access to a unique view that wasn’t available to humans as a society for most of documented civilization. 

What I can take from this is that I can find you outside of religion, in some ways reiterating my need to find you outside the world of men. I can find you in the collective humanity. I can see you in the faces and stories of ALL people - all colors, beliefs, genders, and all points in-between and outlying. 

And I think, if I were to ask, that would be my biggest desire for you, to believe that the divine is in all of us and that shame doesn’t exist as anything more than a tool to get us closer to you, whoever you may be. That no parts or phases or changes of any of us were not divinely created for a reason. And that I can trust in that faith when I think of you, god, and the divine all around us. 

Not just in the humans, but in the trees and the water and the air. And trust that we are here to experience. That our senses, which can be so easily overwhelmed, were meant to feel, and touch, and smell, and see, and taste. And that they don’t need to be muted to live. That the full experience of living is also part of you, god, and part of why we are all here now. That this is not an accident. 

So, I guess I did have some things to say, some things I feel I may need in our relationship. I acknowledge you are in charge in the moments when I can find that faith, that trust. Maybe this is the start of a lifelong conversation, but one with mutual love for sure. 

Xoxox, 

~Rachel 

Photo by Davide Cantelli on Unsplash