Feelings are Valid - Learning to Communicate Emotions as an Adult
Feelings are valid - always.
This seemingly simple, and perhaps obvious to some, statement was the biggest breakthrough for me after receiving my neurodiversity diagnosis. The validation that my feelings have been true my whole life, even when I was taught to feel that they weren’t.
As I look back with that lens, I often role-play scenarios with my parents, teachers, adults in my life in my head that happened when I was young and they went like this:
Little me: “I feel this way.”
Adult: “No, you don’t.”
Me: “Yes, I do.”
Them: “No, you don’t. You can’t.”
Me: “But I do.”
Them: “No.”
Me: “...”
Me: “Maybe I don’t.” (But I did, and my mind was being trained to overrule my body.)
Working on my inner child helped me learn alongside my actual child.
This lesson has also helped me in parenting my elementary-age son. When I find myself saying: “No, you can’t FEEL that. I said no!” I have learned to stop. Remember how much it SUCKS to be told your feelings aren’t valued (at any age), and I stop and dig deeper into it with him. “It’s ok to FEEL that way. It’s ok to be angry/frustrated/etc. But you can’t hit me or bring that feeling into my space in that way. Let’s breathe and talk about it. There are consequences to your ACTIONS, but your feelings are always valid. But, you still have to respect my no with your actions. That is my boundary.”
And wow - when talking like this with an actual child, there is movement, there is learning. He understands the consequences better, and I’m learning how to hold boundaries better than I do with adults. I hate that I’m learning alongside him, that I didn’t learn this when I was little, but I’m grateful that I’m learning.
And hopefully, this translates into lessons that will allow my relationships to thrive in meaningful ways.
Because I feel that my homework here is that when someone says they feel one way to me, and every cell in my body rises up because it doesn’t feel “true”, I have to stop and think about my feelings vs. my actions, just like I told my son. From now on, I am always going to strive to agree with my partners and friends about their feelings, and then try to communicate mine, instead of rising up to challenge or argue with them (aka using action to bring my feelings into their space).
This can only happen now because I am actively unlearning childhood behavior, and it’s not intuitive. But I recognize it is important - for all parties involved. I’m learning to listen to my feelings and instead of resisting them, releasing into them. I can feel this way and they can feel differently and both can exist.
This realization has extra meaning because of the work I am doing about communicating in relationships. Calling out my people-pleasing and codependency behaviors. Behaviors I learned to survive in a world I didn't understand. Honestly stating my feelings - especially my desires - has always felt that it would come with negative consequences. I stumbled on this Instagram post from Clementine Morrigan and found she really put it well:
I identify with this because I find that mostly I’m passive in relationships because I don’t believe my feelings are true. Except when I feel SO much that it builds up and explodes and then my actions spill over into other people’s space, especially in my closest relationships. And that’s not ok. And it can feel out of place, to them and to me. But I had to understand and learn that it still doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t valid. Just that my actions aren’t right. Or at least, they have consequences.
Accepting my feelings instead of resisting them.
So, what I am implementing now is just accepting - my feelings and the feelings of others. Embracing that little girl - my inner child - who wants to play with her friend(s), and who doesn’t understand why it may not be reciprocated in the way I may “expect” - and that my expectations may be built on false narratives and broken foundations.
I have often thought of the lesson of attracting more flies with honey - which is a metaphor I struggle with, BUT the nugget of truth in this context is that I’ve been on the other side - people cajoling, yelling at me, forcing ME to change, and it makes for not fun times - even (especially) when I tried so desperately to be the person I thought they wanted me to be. Why would I want to do that to another person?
Even if their feelings don’t align with mine. And that lesson is the hardest for me to learn. Not because of the dissonance, but because of all the years that I have spent thinking that MY feelings were NOT valid. How could I think other people’s feelings were valid if I didn’t understand that mine were?
I had to become aware of (still have to practice and integrate to build muscle memory) the people-pleasing and codependency that I mentioned before. (My mantra: “I have a body, I am safe here on earth.”)
This post is my way of working through my feelings and explaining them so my actions don't feel so … well however it may feel to the other person. But so that they are coming from a place of truth for me. Because that is all I can control, all I can be. Authentically, truthfully me.
Cover Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash
