The Next Stage of Feminism - Helping Men find their Feelings
The next stage of feminism doesn’t involve “fixing” women. Instead, we need to focus on helping men. Specifically, allowing men to express their feminine side, their emotions and feelings, without fear of judgment or repercussion.
(I’ll address the gender spectrum later in this article, so please stick with me.)
Let’s back up. There have been amazing - and crucial - strides by pioneering women especially in the last few generations. Finding a space at the corporate table, getting the right to open a credit card or rent property without a man to co-sign, even the right for women to vote isn’t that many generations old. We couldn’t be entering this next phase without those women, without those hard-won rights. And I acknowledge that keeping these rights will be an ongoing battle as we shift mentalities.
What I’m proposing, or expressing really (since it’s been bubbling up in the collective consciousness) is that if we don’t shift out of the “fight” mentality, it will always be just that. And while that kind of unrest creates great change, it is not sustainable in the long haul.
Gender as a Spectrum - the Masculine and Feminine Inside
So, how can we look to the men to assist in the fight? Perhaps, it’s by helping them to accept the other half of themselves. You see, we all have a feminine and a masculine side inside of us. I believe gender to be a spectrum, the balance between these two polarities that feels the most normal for any one individual human is unique. Or it should be - if we allowed the natural balance to shine through instead of assigning roles and responsibilities right from childhood.
Typically, these learned behaviors are just that - learned from parental and familial beliefs. I’m not going to go too deep into that here, because there are so many layers, but I have great respect for ANY parent actively working on un-learning behaviors passed down to them. I believe that is the hardest, but best, work one can do for oneself and one’s family.
Back to our internal male and female sides. To get to where we are, many women have had to embody a more masculine internal landscape, really from childhood. The women of my generation - late Gen X, Xtennials, Early Milllenials - grew up seeing our mother’s work and believing glass ceilings no longer existed (no matter what those mothers told us to the contrary). Some of us spent our 20s & 30s building careers and proving our efficiency and capability, until at some point we came crashing into the spaces where equality hasn’t caught up.
What am I Working so Hard For?
For some, it became a crisis of life balance, asking: “why am I working this hard and still feeling unsatisfied? But if I step back, will I lose all that I’ve worked for?” And for others, it was the untenable balance between work-life that happens once you have children. The questions are all the same: “If I stop now, will I lose it all?” But the pressure and demands of children adds an urgency that will eventually force change for even the most talented women in this group.
The Work-Life “Second Shift” Labor Balance
Women who work, with or without children, still do most of the home labor. A recent article by the Harvard Business Review talked on how the pandemic has brought this conversation to an even more frenzied stress point. The article cites:
“Despite the fact that women outnumber men in the paid workforce, women still do more of the domestic work and childcare — almost twice as much as their male partners.”
Author Lyz Lenz in her Glamour article made the point on how divorce allowed her the space to work.
“In renegotiating my life, I had negotiated a better deal for myself, and it was court-ordered. I no longer begged to shift even some of the burden of childcare or housekeeping onto my husband. Our custody agreement mandated that he and I bear an equal share.”
For this is more than a division of labor - both at home and in the workplace. This is about allowing men (or humans who have grown up to be told to identify as a man), to tap into that feminine side (without divorcing them). “To allow men to cry” is the simplest expression of that sentiment, but it’s really to allow men to be, to feel. To be curious about their emotions in a way that does not bring down shame or judgment on them, real or perceived.
The Masculine and Feminine in All of Us
Jake Woodard talks on masculine and feminine traits and the wounded archetypes, regardless of assigned gender, and coming from a man, it seems to add extra weight to the truth of it. The chart below was a stepping stone for me in understanding the balance we all deserve to achieve to find peace within, and from harmonious people, comes balanced children and equitable society.
Gender and the Acquisition of Power
“In the psyches of men (and increasingly in women as well), feminine values and expression of feelings are often repressed because they are incompatible with the acquisition of power.”
Jean Shinoda Bolen, MD wrote in her memoir, Crossing to Avalon. She was speaking on The Girl without Hands myth story that has popped up in culture many times, including in the feminist manifesto, Women who Run with Wolves.
Adding the term “power” to this conversation feels like a directional marker as to why this topic is so convoluted. For women, to allow them to step into the workforce and express themselves in a more equal way, they had to step into power. Empowerment literature (including the ones mentioned above & below) are available for all ages from young girls to women in their mid- and later-life transitions.
Glennon Doyle’s brilliant memoir Untamed compares a woman’s wild side to a “Goddamn Cheetah!” And all of this hype is needed. But what about the boys? Glennon herself mentions her son too, and his struggles growing up right now. Her stance on sensitivity wraps up so many of these points:
“The opposite of sensitive is not brave. It’s not brave to refuse to pay attention, to refuse to notice, to refuse to feel and know and imagine. The opposite of sensitive is insensitive, and that’s no badge of honor.”
Because where are the boys going as they turn into men? If women are stepping “up”, do the men need to step “down”? And, if they have been conditioned for their lifetime - from their fathers and grandfathers and way, way back to “man up”, or to show dominance to obtain “power”, how do we ask them to find/cultivate their native feminine traits - their beautiful sensitivity - under all of that?
I don’t know the answer, but I am actively curious about asking the question.
The Power of our Authentic Selves
I suspect that Gen Z will come closer to solving it because of their ability to allow for a true gender-neutral spectrum. I believe the answer lies in the acceptance of neutrality so that people can start off in the middle and gravitate to where they may fall naturally. So that all humans step into the power of their authentic selves - whoever & whatever that combination of gender and interests and abilities may be.
For it is that expression of authentic selves that will allow humans to be humans. And then, maybe we can come close to being able to be compassionate and care for each other in the ways we need. The ways the planet needs. The ways that we, as a global society, have the possibility to become.
Header Photo by Matheus Ferrero; Cover page photo by Lachlan Dempsey both on Unsplash
