Maybe the thing I am most afraid of is me | Learning Emotional Literacy

Dec 29

Dec 29 Maybe the thing I am most afraid of is me | Learning Emotional Literacy

As I grow and learn, especially around awareness of my emotional reactions, sometimes I realize that things I’ve said or written before are no longer true. Recently, I wrote a post about how I am truly terrified of (cis, het) men. And while that has value in my journey of self-exploration, it is no longer my understanding of the whole truth. In my pre-married, pre-kink life, I have had men do some terrible things. But now, as a grown-up (on the outside anyway), I realized that the real thing I am most afraid of is me.

I am afraid of how I will react when I am deeply triggered. And, I’m afraid that the things I say or do in those moments will affect the people around me. And it created a very vicious cycle which I am only starting to be self-aware of.

For the biggest truth is - I don’t know how not to be the “victim”.

Even writing that brings up so many feelings in my body - shame (why don’t you know that?!?), fear (and you are telling people that OUTLOUD?), paranoia (people will use this against you). But none of those feelings are kind. And so I don’t WANT to feel them. It is only by consciously going deeper - when I can even be aware the first layer of feelings exists - that I can find the kindness I have for other loved beings for myself.

I am only now learning about emotional literacy, in me and how to communicate that to others.

It is only when I see those feelings as that scared little girl that I can reach down for her, for them, as I did for my son as a toddler, and murmur - “babygirl, it is a GOOD THING you recognize that thought. For it is only when we make the unconscious conscious can we begin to heal it.”

“I don’t know how!” She wails. “And I’m hurting people! And I’m HURTING!” she metaphorically clings to the older me sobbing.

“I know babygirl. But this is why are working on this together - so we don’t hurt other people needlessly AND so that we can trust in ourselves, and that you won’t go nuclear and ultimately do something that isn’t coming from a place of integrity.”

I had this dialogue with the adult me and the little child within as I reflected on 2021 as a whole. The relationships that ended, another truth was that I ended them. And I didn’t - don’t - know how to be the “villian” on that side of the story. When logically, the two people involved just weren’t “compatible” with the way things were going, but I had let myself get so attached, that I said things that “ended” it.

Because I didn’t - don’t - know how to negotiate with boundaries, space, and communication long before this emotional tipping point. I didn’t - don’t - know how to take space throughout and check in with myself, instead opting to jump in and go for immediate gratification. Burying my logical head when the little girl raises quiet moments of pause, choosing instead to dance faster instead of slower. Until I am so exhausted, I have no choice but to listen to what the little girl was whispering all along, only now she’s screaming.

Fortunately, there are other, wiser, humans who have been on this path before me. And, because of my need for why, I can perhaps finally hear them. Even (especially) when it calls out the darker parts of the personality, in others yes, but especially, perhaps, even in mine.

“This overattaching and giving away of ourselves to someone who has not yet displayed their intentions toward us is all too common among those of us who have early relational traumas that caused us to doubt our value.
Some of us give, not because we’re truly generous, but because we’re strategists.
Somatically centered in the old story, we give as a way to try to get others to like and value us. Or even better, to need us, because maybe then they won’t leave. Giving becomes a kind of barter to belong—a bid for love, rather than an expression of it. Yet all overgiving ever does is demonstrate how little we value ourselves. This is how we train others to disrespect us.“ – Katherine Woodward Thomas

And ooooooof, I acknowledged it could, perhaps, be true. The book also stated:

“Emotional literacy includes the ability to accurately read one’s own feelings, then manage them by self-soothing or delaying impulsivity. Emotional literacy is also comprised of the ability to express those feelings in self-responsible ways, and to be somewhat self-aware of when you are projecting your own disowned feelings onto another. Also required is the ability to comprehend and respond appropriately to the feelings of others. We don’t have to do these things perfectly. But solid relationships will require that we be able to do them at least reasonably well, as emotional attunement is the currency of all loving relationships.
Empathy, that crucial ingredient to a good relationship, is enhanced in direct proportion to one’s ability to identify and be present with one’s own emotions. Most of us collapse our emotions with our thoughts to one degree or another. In response to the question “How do you feel?” we might respond, “I feel like he’s being a jerk!” rather than “I feel hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, or vulnerable.” “– Katherine Woodward Thomas

And I understood. I understood where I had gone “wrong”. Not in my decisions per se, but in my reaction to the reactions to my words. The ending of sexual relationships.

I understood the next steps on my path. I also understood that I can’t do it all alone, as badly as I wanted to, that would only reiterate the shame in this story and I had - have - never done it any other way. But it had to be done with people that had consented, not running back to the ones I was no longer in relationships with. Professionals and/or friends with mental & emotional capacity to hold parts, not all. People I am building slow beautiful friendships with without bias or other “needs”.

I understood the direction the conversation my continued EMDR work needed to go in therapy.

I understood as I handed off my password to a trusted friend to finally hear what I’ve been saying all along - that I need space while I navigate this, but I didn’t know how to get that space on my own. I didn’t trust in my desire for distraction and immediate gratification to not win over in public conversation.

I understood as I asked another friend to hold me accountable for showing up in person somewhere, because I know if I avoid, if I overthink (similar, though opposite, to overgiving), I will never go back. And it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. I would be giving up something I really love because of fear.

I understood that while I don’t know how to change this story, this fear, I know that knowing that it needs to be changed illuminates the next step on my path. And focuses the work needed to do inward instead of pushing it outward onto other people, violating their boundaries and consent.

Especially when, perhaps, they were responding to the words that I was saying to them. Words that I was saying out loud, but couldn’t hear myself saying them. Words that made me the “villain” by stating my own boundaries and limits.

“When you know yourself, you don’t need to defend against being known. We develop our capacity for intimacy by giving up our need to see ourselves a certain way. It’s challenging to be authentic about some of our more self-serving emotions, motivations, and weaknesses. Who among us does not wish to think of ourselves as good, evolved, and loving people? Yet, truthfully, being human means that we have it all within us—greed as well as generosity, selfishness as well as selflessness, indifference as well as love. It’s because we embody the whole spectrum of human possibilities, that our continual choice to choose love is so meaningful.
…
The fulfillment of your intention cannot happen from your old identity. When triggered, you must first take the time to internally shift where you’re centered. For it’s only when you are able to show up in alignment with the truth of who you are that you will be empowered to manifest the highest and the best that life and love have to offer. To me, this is the essence of what it is to love ourselves.
The rule of thumb is this: When triggered into a false center, take no action! Wait. Lovingly and fiercely push back against your old story, waking yourself up from its seductive trance. Patiently get yourself back into a place of power and value that you can feel within yourself, deeper and wider than your old story. Then and only then make a move. As you are the source of your experience, make sure that the “you” you’re creating your relationships from is the true you.”– Katherine Woodward Thomas