Endlessly curious | Finding a balance of trust
I’m curious - endlessly curious. Like a little human cat, I am always asking questions. Especially of other people. “What is your why?” I constantly wonder.
Now, is some of this because I’ve been masking and trying to fit in for so long? To understand the magic rules everyone else seems to know? Yes.
Is some of this from trauma and trying to foresee where the “danger” is coming from? Also yes.
But, and, like so many things in life - is it also a paradox and authentic to my soul? I believe that’s a yes as well.
I really do enjoy getting to know people, and it helps me to understand myself better.
Some of the people who have “hurt” me the most also have given me some of my happiest moments, though not all. But even the ones who have only “hurt” me, I have been able to gain the deepest insights from those experiences.
I know I wouldn’t be able to be where I am without them - the experiences or the people.
I also can now recognize that it’s ok to let people go when they have hurt me.
For that is the other lesson about being curious that I had to learn. If it hurts - stop doing it.
Being curious just for the sake of distraction is hurtful.
Being curious without a conscious level of awareness of my own boundaries and limits is a space where I can get really hurt. Trauma - and re-trauma - inducing hurt.
So. What is the lesson?
Am I willing to stand in the void for my own convictions, boundaries, and limits?
And, if know I am in a space - perhaps always - of growing out these boundaries and limits, can I be more selective in who I am curious with? Instead of naively trusting that everyone will ultimately be kind? And instead of believing no one is trustworthy.
Can I live in the middle? In the balance of trust?
Can I see “red flags” for what they are - red flags TO ME, and understand the human who may possess them can still be a great person, and want good things for them, but understand that those little incompatibilities add up. And to deal with the emotional fallout of rejection and abandonment that is mine to own. And let them go.
Because to continue to place my curiosity in them would spend time and energy - resources which are so precious - in them. Instead of spending it on myself. Until the right person comes along. The person with whom mutual curiosity would engender a lifelong conversation. Or at least a right now conversation, one built on mutual respect and trust.
Trust that the ups and downs - the spirals - are part of the process. And that the questions really are to gain a better understanding, of you, of me, of all of us as a group.
For why are we not here except to experience? And from experience gain a better understanding of the beautiful spectrum of human traits that live within us all.
Knowing our dials are set to different markers, and the aggregate of that produces a unique frequency specific to us only.
And how that frequency resonates - or not! - with another is perhaps the most beautiful alchemy - the most beautiful sound of all.
Photo by Andriyko Podilnyk on Unsplash | Cover Photo by Briona Baker on Unsplash
