Flying True North | How do you find integrity after a lifetime of masking?
I had a panic attack posting a picture of myself on a social media platform recently. It was, I knew, a “good” picture. But I was inundated by thoughts of “How will this be received? Will it cause retaliation? Will I lose friends? What will they think of me?”
It felt like a silly thing to be having a fight or flight response to, I chided myself internally, but then I went deeper. I knew my body was sending up signals that it wanted me to hear. And if I could make the unconscious conscious, could I heal them? So I asked myself: “Why now? Why am I having a reaction to posting 6 months into being on this platform? Why do I want to post it as much as I am afraid of making it available for all to see?”
I realized I was panicking - and second-guessing my decisions - because I now had something to lose. That I was now treading on old wounds of not doing the right - known - thing and the threat of being ostracized for it.
And as an autistic woman trying to find authenticity & integrity, I realized that not everyone was going to like the authentic me.
And, by doing it in a group setting, I was bringing up old trauma that I didn’t know existed. The effects of a lifetime of trying to change myself to fit in so that I wouldn’t be intentionally left out. A phenomenon common to neurodivergent women, ones diagnosed anytime, but particularly ones diagnosed late in life, where those neural pathways had time to calcify as bad, weird, not-normal, self-identifying traits for seemingly no “reason”.
“Anyone who has ever lived in unstable or abusive situations will tell you that the greatest source of anxiety is never quite knowing when the storm will hit. We walk on eggshells, on constant alert for signs of danger. Which is why discovering the existence of the think/ feel/ do pattern changed my life.
Suddenly, I had power and choice that, beforehand, were utterly unimagined. “Secret” rules are just part of that big cause-and-effect deal. How “well” you follow the rules (the cause) determines how most people will treat you (the effect). Do what others expect, and the reward is that you are accepted by the group. Behave in unexpected ways, and other people felt threatened, uncomfortable, even embarrassed or scared (though I might see it as frustration, uncertainty, or confusion). When that happened, they would employ social consequences—isolation, gossip, bullying, teasing, practical jokes—to get me, the person who’d created the negative feelings, to either go away or change.
But, if I could learn how to better match my intentions with my receptions, I could improve the ways I understood and reacted to other people and the ways they understood and reacted to me. …
There wasn’t a rule book, then, like I wished. There was no peek into the secret rules that I knew had to be there, but couldn’t ever figure out. There were rules, I was sure of it. Everyone else seemed to get them. But not me. Over and over, I’d mess up without even realizing it. Then try to cover it up. Then have to find new friends. For thirty-four years, that was the cycle, until I learned a new word: “Asperger’s.” And all of a sudden, I made sense. It all made sense.” — Autism in Heels: The Untold Story of a Female Life on the Spectrum by Jennifer Cook O'Toole
Ok, so in this process of finding out who I am, I stumble into this wall - who I am has hurt me in the past. And knowing that becoming who I am also has the potential to hurt me in the future:
“If you’ve spent much of your life among people who couldn’t or wouldn’t support the expression of your true nature, taking a no-lie challenge may have created an unprecedented sense of peace and relaxation within you.
Or maybe you’re freaking out.
Probably you’re freaking out.
Radical truth-telling rocks a lot of boats, so other people may be reacting badly to your no-lie challenge. This isn’t fun, but it’s actually a good sign. If you’ve really stopped lying, with both words and actions, resistance from others is often evidence you’re on the right track. People around you are probably unnerved by your new behavior because it challenges their own cultural compliance. In other words, they’re all telling polite or mandated lies in order to keep peace with others, and the way you’re following integrity may involve the very things they’re repressing in themselves.
Cultures rely on consensus—if everyone agrees, there’s no pressure on the system. Any dissent, like the child shouting that the emperor has no clothes, could bring down the whole social order. People who want their culture to stay as it is (remember, everyone is socialized to feel that way) may react to honesty by trying to push you back to your inferno of self-betrayal and self-abandonment. They may push hard.
After your no-lie challenge comes a choice point. You can go back to the way things were, or commit to continue living your truth—even if others disapprove. If you choose integrity, your no-lie challenge will extend into the future. Instead of visiting integrity as a tourist, you’ll adopt it as your path through life. You’ll dissolve the beliefs that split you from your nature, then change your behavior to reflect your deepest truth. And for this you’ll need the skills of a social ninja.” — The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck
So, why, oh why was I so hell bent on this authenticity? This space of total honesty? I can only describe it as a hook in my diaphragm pulling me along. “Be chill!” They screamed as I blew past. “I would if I could!” I lamented. I don’t have ANY social skills, never mind the skills of a “social ninja”.
But then I stumbled on this description of integrity. And stopped. For it resonated.
“Roget’s Thesaurus defines “integrity” as “the state of being entirely whole.” … A lack of integrity does not imply that one is a “bad” person. A lack of integrity simply suggests that one is being an inconsistent person—and an inconsistent person is a disempowered person, who is likely disempowering others as well. Whenever there is a contradiction within the self—a lack of wholeness and congruence—there is fragmentation and its resulting sense of angst. And when this happens, all sorts of symptoms appear that one might not, at first glance, necessarily attribute to a lack of personal integrity.
…
When you do not keep your word to yourself by taking actions you know deep down that you need to be taking, or when you are taking actions that are in conflict with your values or the future you’re standing for, you will likely feel a tremendous drain of your personal sense of power.
…
One of the biggest reasons we fail to honor our word is a resistance to owning our power fully. It’s sometimes harder for us to own our power, strengths, and abilities than it is to admit our flaws and failures. As a matter of fact, we’ll sometimes even bond with others over our mutual inadequacies and unhealed wounds. Rather than rise to the heights of our human capacity to cause a future that’s not going to happen unless we stand for it, we’ll instead define being human as a weakness. …Yet bartering away your power to avoid being responsible for your life is way too high a price to pay.”--- Katherine Woodward Thomas
My therapist - one of many - but the one who has helped me the most during the self-introspection that was 2020, once said, “When you find yourself, when you are authentic, you will find the people who are like you.” And I trusted - trust - that.
So, yes, even in this group of like-minded people, this new social media platform I was posting on - full of people who like to be tied and to tie other people up, ones who like to find the edges in sex. People who play with power - stated power - in a relationship versus being frightened of it everywhere else. People who like me desire - need - a lot of sex, but can really only have sex with one person at a time, and know they are only having sex with me in return, even though they may love a lot of people in other ways (a subgroup of a subgroup, for even on the fringe, there are groups). Even in this circle, there will be ones who don’t like me. And I still have to BE me.
I need to know that yes, history could be repeated, and I could lose everyone. Again. But this time, for the first time, it won’t be because I was pretending to be someone else to not lose them. If that loss happens, it will be because I was trying to be me - while also figuring out who that is. Building the plane while it is in the air while carrying heavy baggage, but flying true north - MY true north - whatever direction that may be.
And my hope is that any loss will be shared parallel with any joy of true connection. That the ensuing friendships will be because of authentic bonds that allow for moments of inconsistency & fear - as old habits are known to die hard.
And the proverbial fear of rejection when a no is stated - on either side - knowing that it will happen, and it has to be ok. For the no, the boundary, the sense of self, is more important than any loss of any person. Even (especially) if it means walking alone on that journey.
For I know can’t afford to lose any other part of me to being anything but totally honest, totally authentic, living in my integrity, over and over again.
““Personal integrity is one of the most important guardians of mental health. Put simply, integrity is the absence of contradiction between what we know, what we profess, and what we do.”
