Love or Chemicals? The consequences of the chemicals of sex on a woman’s brain

Do you know what sex does to a woman’s brain? 

I didn’t! Until I interrupted the middle of an intense connection with a sexual element that I had not experienced in 40 years of life.

And it was interrupted because the highs scared me more than the potential lows. I felt I had seen the lows, spent a long time in them in fact, they were familiar, and that familiarity felt safer than the highs I was experiencing.

For this happiness - even while trying to be aware and grateful for every moment - was more terrifying than anything I had ever encountered. 

“Joy is the most vulnerable emotion we experience.” ~Brené Brown

So I pulled the bail cord.

I ran. By asking for the one thing I knew he wouldn’t, couldn’t give me.

I knew I had one shot. As a serial people-pleaser trying to learn authenticity despite a trauma background, my emotional intelligence in those moments resorts to violence, and I understand that I only ever have one shot before it rebounds back on me - remorse, shame, guilt, the feeling of WTF did I just do?!? 

I made it count. And I broke my own heart. 

In some ways, he couldn’t come after me. 

Of course, I crawled back. I didn’t even truly understand why I had done it in the first place.

But the damage was done. 

And I didn’t know what the ensuing drop was going to do to me.

I had never had a relationship where sex, love, and friendship merged together like that. 

I had never had sex like that ever. (And I’m a mother.)

But I let myself go. I let myself BE in the moment. 

And with sex, that was the first time I had ever done that. 

I trusted that he was responsible for all of the orgasms and I didn’t have to “perform” or pretend I had any clue I knew what I was doing (I don’t). I could just be. 

But withdrawing from that. Yikes. 

I had no idea what the chemicals of sex do to the brain of a woman, specifically dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, but especially oxytocin. 

Sidenote: I use woman here lightly, I don’t believe in gender per se, but there is a difference in brains that have more testosterone and ones that don’t: 

“Oxytocin release causes the sense of trust and makes us miss our partners. People with high levels of testosterone may probably not feel the connection, because this hormone suppresses oxytocin activity.” (source)

And women (again people born with female parts more than ones that identify as women) have different receptors to the “bonding hormone” oxytocin:

"Dopamine, produced by the hypothalamus, is a particularly well-publicized player in the brain's reward pathway – it's released when we do things that feel good to us. In this case, these things include spending time with loved ones and having sex," shares Katherine J. Wu, Ph.D., a graduate student at Harvard, adding, "High levels of dopamine and a related hormone, norepinephrine, are released during attraction. These chemicals make us giddy, energetic, and euphoric."

Another feel-good hormone, oxytocin, is also released during sex, with Wu adding, "Oxytocin is often nicknamed the 'cuddle hormone' for this reason. Like dopamine, oxytocin is produced by the hypothalamus and released in large quantities during sex, breastfeeding, and childbirth. This may seem like a very strange assortment of activities – not all of which are necessarily enjoyable – but the common factor here is that all of these events are precursors to bonding." (source)

As someone who already struggles with brain chemistry in everyday life, it felt very scary to understand. I will say I resonate with the rush of emotions - almost orgasmic - during my unmedicated labor with my son. And breastfeeding was the thing that kept me awake and focused with love on that little person despite no sleep for a long, long time. Maybe I am more sensitive to oxytocin in general? 

I appreciated that Dr. Wu goes on to explain that it’s not always all feel-good with this particular cocktail of hormones in her article, Love Actually: The science behind lust, attraction, and companionship: 

“This all paints quite the rosy picture of love: hormones are released, making us feel good, rewarded, and close to our romantic partners. But that can’t be the whole story: love is often accompanied by jealousy, erratic behavior, and irrationality, along with a host of other less-than-positive emotions and moods. It seems that our friendly cohort of hormones is also responsible for the downsides of love.

For example, cocaine maintains dopamine signaling for much longer than usual, leading to a temporary “high.” In a way, attraction is much like an addiction to another human being. Similarly, the same brain regions light up when we become addicted to material goods as when we become emotionally dependent on our partners. And addicts going into withdrawal are not unlike love-struck people craving the company of someone they cannot see.

The story is somewhat similar for oxytocin: too much of a good thing can be bad. Recent studies on party drugs such as MDMA and GHB shows that oxytocin may be the hormone behind the feel-good, sociable effects these chemicals produce. These positive feelings are taken to an extreme in this case, causing the user to dissociate from his or her environment and act wildly and recklessly.”

So, is there a perfect equation for love? An alchemy algorithm? The answer is most definitely no. 

And while it is an experiment I am not ready to do again for some time, I’m grateful for the awareness. For the love (or maybe chemicals?) For the moment in time to be released from all these other thoughts. To have had a chance to just be. 

Safe and warm with another human. Connected chakra to chakra. 

Perhaps the ensuing chemical withdrawal was worth it all. Though I can’t imagine that now. 

Perhaps I should wait to answer, to fully, rationally understand when I’m not in the middle of it. ❤️ Perhaps I should just be here now, knowing that these chemicals will shift again and again.