The Opposite of Wanderlust - A Journey with Agoraphobia

Wanderlust is a phenomenon that is shared by so many creative souls. Social media, as a whole, seems to be created for the medium of travel. Suited for those occasions where photography and story are natural to share because it's out of a normal routine and those are the moments one wants to remember. 

I am a person who has never really felt the tug of the exotic, of the need for the difference of travel.

Admitting that here sounds like failure. That something is wrong with me. 

Mark Twain is quoted: 

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.”

and I agree with him. 

But, you see, the daily world overwhelms me. School hallways. Chuck. e. Cheeses. Bars. I have learned to overcome and mitigate when the world feels paralyzing in "normal" situations.  My truth is that I love to wander in the woods. Get lost in nature. Be in a cozy space to talk all night with a few loved friends. But I never felt that was touted as “desired”.

Then, and now, I found refuge in books. So while physically I may be in one place, I experienced the ability to fly through time and space in stories. 

Now, I understand the importance of being in a different place. Different smells, different air, different water. Different is good in that it challenges us in ways we can't imagine inside our comfort zone. So, I fight against my body and go. Most times I successfully make it. Sometimes I don't. And even when I do, there is nothing like the sweet relief of heading "home". 

A recent trip, a funeral visit to Long Island, a place I lived for many years, I was awake all night sweating, shaking, with GI distress. I meditated. I prayed. I sat in the bathtub of the hotel room and agonized over every second that ticked on. My family was in the next room sleeping. Waking them up meant yelling and confusion. WHY DID I FEEL THIS WAY? But something just wouldn't shut off that night no matter how much I tried to accept the unavoidable discomfort. Finally, at 5AM, I went downstairs to the lobby and saw the sunrise. I wish I could say I felt heroic, that I lasted the night, but all I felt was relief that the day had started and it would end with me in my own bed. 

To my wanderlust souls - I see you and I'm in constant awe of your bravery. I also see when the wander can become an escape. In my strive for more balance, personally and in the world, I wonder if there is a place for the agorophobs and the wanderers to meet and find a middle ground together.

In the meantime, if you need me, I'll be trying to fill my social media with honesty. If you see an occasional travel picture in between trying to find joy in the every day, please celebrate with me. And in return, I'll celebrate your struggles, however they may manifest. 

Photo by Luke Stackpoole on Unsplash