How Do you Love? - Esther Perel is changing Relationships

I’M TRYING TO NOT DO WHAT’S ACCEPTED OR “NORMAL” ANYMORE.

The thing I’m hearing from ALL my friends in our age group is that they expected their marriages to replace friendships and have one person do the work of many, and life just doesn’t work like that. We can’t replace the village with just one person.

We CAN replace the tribe of our birth with a chosen group.

Group being the key.

How do you love?

This was written in response to Esther Perel’s work. I’ve read her books and listened to her in many formats. So much of what she says resonates with me deep in my core. Of course, I can’t just digest that content and not come up with more questions of my own. I’m constantly ruminating on her ideas and trying to put them into the stories of the people I know and love.

Then I saw this post on Instagram:

View this post on Instagram

We come from a model where relationships, in our village lives, in our communal structures, were very clear. The community gave you your sense of identity. You knew who you were. You knew what was expected of you, and you knew how to behave. You had a lot of certainty, a lot of belonging, zero freedom. . And we have urbanized, and we have moved, and we have taken on radical individualism and aspirational materialism, and all of those things have created a playing field in which relationships are undergoing rapid changes. We have no idea how to handle them. Rules have been replaced by choices. But at the same time we have massive uncertainty and massive self-doubt. Every second book about relationships these days is about belonging and loneliness. . So I think that’s the big thing that is changing: what used to be defined by rules and duty and obligation now has to take place in conversation. And so everything is a freakin’ negotiation! You negotiate with your partner about what matters, where you want to live, if you want to have children, how many children do you want to have, if this is the right time to have children. It’s an absolute existential smorgasbord. But at the same time it’s very difficult to have to define everything ourselves. We are not just in pain for no reason, is what I’m trying to say. . —From a conversation with Alexandra Schwartz at The New Yorker Festival 2018. Read the complete interview at the link in bio. 🎨: @natalia_ramas #TNYfest

A post shared by Esther Perel (@estherperelofficial) on Dec 13, 2018 at 8:57am PST

Her words are so reassuring in their validation that this is the time for change. Big change. Societal change. What we’ve been doing is not working for the vast majority of people. Love is the answer - but what does it look like?

I can’t wait to find out.