One Year Actively in Kink | The things I’ve learned…
More or less, one year ago, I was starting my first poly D/s relationship. I had found someone with whom I connected with on a deep intellectual level, and he wanted to tie me up for my first time. All of my years of intellectual musing and researching and online conversations were now being put into kisses that I hoped would never end, and laughter. So much laughter. Also, hi, I really liked rope. Luckily, that would stay true beyond that first experience, that first person.
I tried to be so grateful for each moment as they would happen, before and after him. But, there was so much I didn’t know. So much I had to learn, and not from books, but from experience. About how kink affects you deeper than normal relationships, about how it’s just … more. How traumas get brought up, ones you may not even know you have, and how your body, which holds the score, unlocks layers of fears and conditioning that your mind may not be ready to handle yet, all packaged with the strange juxtaposition of pain and pleasure.
So, a year later, I wanted to reflect on the things I can see I did wrong, and the things I can see as just a mismatch of souls. And that’s ok. It has to be.
I learned that all I can control is myself, and that, before that realization, subconsciously, I was trying to control everything (everyone) else. And once I was aware, I learned that unconscious control is merely grasping onto something to hope to find peace and safety, but the paradox is that the peace is in the release. In the release of the illusion that we have control, and to just accept what is.
Playing with stated power dynamics helped this. To give up control and feel what that is - or is not - was enlightening. I can imagine it brings up things on the other side too.
I also learned:
People new to kink are like new vampires - there is no avoiding the frenzy. On either side of the slash.
There are predators, for sure, but sometimes YOU may be the “bad” person. Being on the s/bottom side does not mean the D/top side doesn’t also need to give consent.
You will learn more about yourself than you ever wanted to. See above.
Buckle up, it’s a ride. In order to learn to effectively communicate, and you must, you will have to face your biggest faults and it’s your responsibility in all partner equations to communicate your needs and your boundaries.
Finding community is crucial. AND it intensifies the complexity of the emotions. For, we are all (at moments) 14-year-old awkward middle schoolers on the playground in groups. Particularly post-COVID quarantine. Maybe 18 for the more advanced (:cough: securely attached, of which I am not) of us.
And if you read that and think - not me! - you may be the biggest offender of this of all.
I know I was. You can try to deny these kinds of emotions, but the truth is they exist, and the only solution is just to accept that they exist (even if you desperately wish they didn’t - I am an adult!), and then work to change them in yourself, and yourself only.
For, self-awareness and responsibility are keys to survival. You will mess up, but it truly is how you deal with it that matters. “I’m sorry” is only meaningful when paired with reflection and true change. And even then, it may be too late. All you can do is wish them well, and hope, strive, vow to do better next time. And sometimes you may learn the same lesson more than once.🤦♀️
And, no matter what, some people will just not like you, despite liking the same THINGS as you. And that’s ok. (See consent on both sides) ((Perhaps this is obvious/easier for some, but as a people-pleaser in recovery, this was hard for me, still is.))
At some point, it will all meld into a PART of your life instead of being your WHOLE life. And that tipping point brings relief. And a semblance of balance returning.
There is joy in so many of the moments if you can see it and be there in the present. And, joy is sometimes as scary as fear for those of us used to the other shoe dropping.
Oxytocin is a bitch (all of the sex hormones are, for all humans.) But oooooof, withdrawal is real and should be treated like all withdrawals, with self-care and the awareness it is temporary. And with the knowledge that chasing another “hit” with an unsafe (read: not negotiated with) person is not the way to go.
You have to know the difference in YOUR body between good pain & bad pain, and sometimes that won’t be immediately clear. Especially the first time you may try something, even up to a few days after. Emotional pain and physical pain also live very close in the brain.
That is to say, go slow. Ya know, at the same time those frenzied sex hormones are crowding your system. 🤦♀️🤷♀️
It’s a dance. Keep trying new steps. Be curious, But always be responsible for you first and your partner second. And expect them to do the same - to protect themselves first and you second. Again, no matter what side of the slash you are on, and no matter the nature of your relationship.
I’m sure I have more, but this feels like a good list. For it’s just a marker of a moment in my journey - and that’s maybe the most important thing I’ve learned - IT WILL ALL CHANGE.
Allow for change. Communicate change. Everyone has (or has had) imposter syndrome. You can identify as one label one day and a completely different label another day (or not). That is YOUR CHOICE. And, only you can be responsible for communicating that to the people in your life.
Then, they can choose to connect (or not) with your new self-chosen identity or label or decision, whatever it may be. And, you must be able to hear them, and honor where they are. That is THEIR choice.
For, the most beautiful thing I’ve learned about kink is that it gives you the choice, the constant choice, to be authentically YOU in whatever moment you are in. ❤️
Disclaimer - this is obviously MY experience, my list. YMMV. 🤷♀️ but if it resonates, I welcome sharing of other points that I may have missed from your experience. I do believe we are better together, even (especially) if we disagree (respectfully). 💙
