Accepting I will get attached | A different kind of consent in kink
I recently found this article about a different kind of consent in kink. And it really resonated with me. Especially this point:
It helped me to clarify and articulate my newly found self-awareness that, if you are a dominant masculine being, and you are tying me, especially on a repeated basis, there is a greater than average chance that I will get attached to you.
There just is.
And, even though I constantly continue on my journey of aforementioned self-awareness, taking responsibility for my actions, healing co-dependency & people-pleasing, and learning to self-soothe while handling my own abandonment triggers, I still get attached.
So, I’ve decided I’m just going to accept that.
Now, my personal experiences in kink have helped me articulate the different levels to which I get attached, which I think can is helpful. Especially because with awareness, I can now identify it better, and therefore, perhaps, communicate it more effectively.
Because, at my core, I love all humans.
I deeply empathize with their struggles (our struggles). I am a very sensitive person. Perhaps more than you can see when I have my NT mask on. I have had to (recently) learn boundaries and grounding so that I can be able to be in touch with my emotions without drowning in other peoples. Not because they asked me to do so (most would probably prefer that I did not), but because that was how I was taught (wrongly) to survive in love.
Now, for me, love can be separate from whom I am sexually attracted to. Meaning I can deeply love people and not be sexually attracted to them, but I find that if I am sexually drawn to them, there is already an element of deep care and love. I know that, perhaps, this is not true for everyone, that some humans exist on directly the opposite side of that equation, but that is what is true for me.
And in that sexual attraction narrow spectrum lives a dominant masculine persona being. Particularly ones who love to give oral sex (on a woman), and who conversely love to receive oral sex (on a man). PIV is a dessert, not the main course please. And, of course, ones who like to tie me up.
I am, and always have been open, to all new experiences - life is too short - and I have learned things through those experiences things that are now on my no list. And I have learned new things on my YES please (if they come up as compatible interests) list.
But the essence of sexual attraction to me is in the dirty, smelly, wet spaces between a clear dominant and submissive, with a little brat, a little fight thrown in.
Now, there is a shadow side to stating this, to being aware of it. Since I know I will fall, and fall hard, what about the ones who will capitalize upon this information to guarantee a relationship?
The moments in which commitment feels like a trap? Because even though I am attached, that I have a right to say no too?
And that is where I have learned that my body will revolt if she is not being heard too. So my mind, my trauma even, may attach, but my body will scream if the answer, to her, is a no.
I am learning to listen to her earlier, and more often. I am learning to go slow and let these men’s actions match their words (or not). And I am learning that sometimes my brain, and the stories it tells about the energy it feels, can be wrong.
Wrong because it takes two people in every situation, and there are no guarantees, on either side, that someone won’t get hurt. And sometimes, some people just aren’t able to show up, for any number of reasons, that may have nothing to do with me.
And sex - which for me includes the very intimate act of tying with a masculine being - makes these feelings, and stories, deeper.
Because CPTSD, because conditioning, because of who I was born as, and who I’ve become, because of a million different things. Nothing that has to do with the other person.
And all we can do is meet each other where we are, and choose, or not, to engage in the convos - the long negotiations of trust - that I require before, during, and after sex.
And maybe I’m not the only one who needs those things. Maybe I am just one of the few that is talking about it.
Though I am grateful for more and more community conversations happening in these spaces. I think, if we are open to seeing it, these convos can help us all see ourselves in different lights, from different angles. It can put the danger of comparison to good use - if someone else feels this way, maybe I am not alone.
And by not being alone, maybe I can be more vulnerable, and more people can feel comfortable sharing their most internal experiences, and together we can unlock higher spirals of connectedness - but only by coming at it in the paradoxical view that true connectednessness can only be achieved by independent, autonomous humans coming together in whatever form is authentic to them. Coming together in various forms and configurations, but as whole humans in and of themselves.
Giving language to our emotions and experiences, and finding out, perhaps, that we aren’t so different after all.
