The Turing Test needs an emotional component | Social media makes finding peace hard by design
“The Turing Test needs a girl logic update.”
I said to a friend recently after my first attempt to rejoin a social media platform.
And, though I had been kidding, self-deprecating even, I realized I was right in a way. The social media algorithms, the ones that “learn” the people (and brands) we interact with most, they need a way to recognize when we no longer interact with that person (or people). The very smart learning AI needs to understand that blocking serves a purpose, and by showing their friends/family in a “people you may know” section does not elicit the desire to want to add those people. It can actually often bring the opposite response.
The Turing Test needs to account for triggers to truly determine if it is a human or machine on the other side.
The Turing Test is defined as “a method of inquiry in artificial intelligence (AI) for determining whether or not a computer is capable of thinking like a human being.” For you see, it is the human in us that may recognize when the logic hurts. And that sometimes, instead of locking those pesky emotions in a box, perhaps we need time to process them and move on.
That the emotions are what separates us from the machines, and by trying to put those emotions in a box, how are we different from the machines? Except we live in human bodies where those emotions are stored. Only to rear their heads later if not dealt with. Perhaps during a stray social medial algorithm blip? Knowing that it may take a few tries to rejoin those platforms, if we come back at all.
Now, I can say all of this, as well as start this narrative with the very gender-biased view that “girl logic” = pesky emotions because I have so internalized this socially pervasive view. And I, especially as I work to take my neurotypical mask off and try to understand what my neurodiverse authentic self looks like, I find I CAN’T hide those big emotional - self-described “girl” - moments. For I am a cis, het woman in a woman’s body, but I have crafted and honed my logical side because I observed that was the way to get ahead in life.
I did this, not understanding that emotions must grow too. That mine were left stunted in their repression, and the result is an imbalance that mirrors the logic-only code written into the algorithms.
Yet, because I am human, I have the ability to recognize the imbalance and start to nurture my emotions now, as an adult. And, because I have (unconsciously) blueprinted that logic side to outpace the emotional side so much, I can narrate logically at the same time. I say this because in the time that I am allowing for my emotional self to take her toddling steps, my logical brain can offer observations from the side. Like a mother watching a child, all of that focus isn’t on the actual child, other than trying to keep that little person safe and engaged in growth, the other parts of the brain can - and do - wander and meander.
I say this because I identify my emotional/logical sides to gender (as may have been obvious here) - emotional = female & logical = male.
Yet that feels incongruous with my general (logical) life theory that gender is a spectrum. I have had the opportunity to engage with beautiful beings who identify more as non-binary, and some who are trans, knowing they are in a body that is different from their true gender. And I see them as being in various stages of trying to achieve better inner balance.
That because they may have lived the unique perspective of growing up in one gender, and all the societal and multi-generational expectations that come with that - consciously or unconsciously - and then allowing themselves to step into their true expectations and self. Crossing the line into another gender, and the observations that come with that.
The most striking for me, both in message and consistency no matter from what side to what side, is how much the hormones do affect emotions. Humans born in male bodies and take estrogen (for many reasons, including as a cancer treatment, not just transition), express the weight of the extra emotions that come with that. The “waking up to extra feelings” (a direct quote.) And conversely, humans born in female bodies taking extra testosterone express the opposite of that. An inward change of focus on external things vs. focus on the internal feelings.
This resonates with me, it seemed clearly plausible, not because I identify on the same journey as them, but because I have spent a lifetime focusing on enhancing that logical - masculine side, but not understanding why I couldn’t get it “right. And, perhaps, it’s because I was totally forgoing my feminine emotional side, hormone-induced or not.
Back to social media. Let’s give the Metas of the world - Facebook, Instagram - as well as LinkedIn, Twitter, let’s assume they have broadened their coding base to include some women, and perhaps people of color. Let’s say that because of their size and sample sets of users, they understand the importance of diversity, so that maybe we can say they are more equipped than other social media/chat platforms. This is relevant here (though probably not all true) because, for me, it wasn’t until I switched to “smaller” social media platforms, the ones on the fringe, that I really noticed the logic bias that is so much more subtle than in the bigger platforms mentioned above.
But once I noticed it, my large logic side couldn’t help but observe that diversity bias everywhere, and wonder what it is doing to our collective emotional patterns and relating.
But first, on a micro level, the most egregious example, the one that elicited the biggest emotional reaction, was when an algorithm served up a picture of my ex’s (the one who I first journeyed in D/s with), his penis in another girl’s mouth. And when I realized who, and what, was in the picture, it felt like a literal punch in the gut.
Logically, I understood that A. we were broken up, and he was free to do whatever he wanted & B. he was technically free to do that when we were together as well, because we were in a polyamorous relationship. But that was why I ended it, even though I cared, because I couldn’t be poly and imagine exactly the scenario I was now witnessing. My emotional side, the one desperately trying to “get over him” had a very different perspective, no matter how many times my logical side tried to “speak” to her.
And, because of logical algorithms combined with bad UI and a much smaller network on this fringe network, one that encourages penis in mouth photos (vs. the puritan nipple eraser of Instagram), this picture was served up in my feed. The algorithm presumably thinking it was something I would like to see.
And, because our relationship had happened before I knew what this platform was, stumbling on it later in my bid for community to help move through the pain of the breakup, I didn’t know his profile name UNTIL that picture. Oh, and I had searched. But alter-egos aren’t always what you think they would be.
So I couldn’t block him until that moment. But the “damage” was done.
A rabbit hole of open profile viewing ensued. More penises in mouths! And, for a person with a visually photographic-like memory, those images were now snapshotted starkly on the retinas of my mind.
“Why did you look?” my friends asked sensibly then.
“I don’t know…” groaned the logical me, prostate on the floor. Feeling totally out of control and “crazy”. And hurting.
Now, fortunately, that rock bottom was the place in which I learned how damaging those rabbit holes can be. And, that a little avoiding can have a purpose. That while I may not have the ability to stuff my emotions in a box - a talent it seems the rest of the world accomplishes better than me, acknowledging that I seem drawn to the ones who are exceptionally good at it (to perhaps their detriment - aka the anxious-avoidant dance) - but those lessons I had integrated and could put into practice. Knowing that I don’t WANT to hurt and be triggered in that way anymore. That I don’t WANT to stumble upon someone else living their life and have it hurt me enough to want to lash out - to them, to anyone.
Knowing, instead, that triggers will come up just by living, but letting them come up in healthy ways, ways in which I could release emotional steam on my own, by dancing, painting, crying, rocking, but doing it in a judgment-free zone. Alone with my emotions and knowing that my logical self has the ability to care for that emotional self with love and compassion. So she, the little emotional me, doesn’t have to protect me by incinerating the people that hurt her, but that I, the logical adult me, can protect her by not exposing her to that hurt.
By choosing to trust people that have proven to not want to hurt her. And, by trusting myself, knowing that I’ve got her, the little emotional me, even if they do, for that trust with other people is given slowly, over time.
So, when the opportunity to postpone some triggers by avoiding social media arose in a new situation - a perfect storm of new exes and friends and community - well, I took it. I had help, yes. Loved beings took passwords (and my gratitude), but I had to do work too. For being so smart, having such a large logical side, comes with consequences too. There are ways to outsmart algorithms and open profiles can be viewed by any login. So I had to actively choose to NOT do those things either. I had to WANT to avoid the hurt as much as I needed help in doing so.
Before the pre-arranged time of return, to come back online, I wrote an essay on why I should. Not because I was asked to do so, though the concept was from a D/s situation I observed, but I did it because I know I process best in my writing. And, once I gained my permissions back, for my arguments were solid, it has subsequently served as a reminder why I DID want to be back on. For reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else other than what brings ME joy - art & community.
This was important as a reflection point because in that first attempt back I was mindful and STILL got triggered.
“But you can’t block on this platform!” I lamented, going to a default blame something - someone - else pattern. Though, I recognized quickly after saying that, that it was something that was mine to hold. If I can’t deal with a platform that doesn’t let you truly block the other person, doesn’t allow you both to exist unaware (at least on my end) of the other’s actions, then perhaps it was a platform I shouldn’t be on.
Because life is too short to spend energy over virtual hurts. The solution to this kind of obsessive thinking and the anxiety loop that generates it, is to get rooted back in real life.
To focus on the red of the cardinal against the white snow through a window, the sound of wind through the trees. The feel of this pen in my hand against the paper. The smell and taste of coffee, steam rising.
“But my friends!” I bemoaned at the thought that I shouldn’t be on that platform.
Those friends that I do have the opportunity to see once a week. A treat in a newly formed ongoing COVID world. I didn’t “need” that platform, it was a want. But also, because of COVID and our dependence on social media, shouldn’t we be aware of all of this?
Shouldn’t the bigger platforms - though not as “obvious” as the fringe ones I was playing on, shouldn’t they take responsibility for these emotional reactions too?
And, because life is always serving up lessons, around the same time, my actual child unknowingly mirrored some of my own struggles on this front.
He, having access to a much-locked-down FB kids messenger app, got into a “fight” with his beloved cousin. A little tiff, ones that happen at that age with our family first because they are inherently “safe” (and present).
A squabble that resulted in him “reporting” her (tattling?) and her “blocking” him (slamming the proverbial door?). Except she told him she was blocking him first - a sentiment my own inner child could identify with, especially as she has done and said those same things in the not-so-distant past. And he screamed “No she didn’t! She SAW my reply! Her face icon SHOWS she SAW IT!”
And I realized the intuitiveness of the platforms we rely on for connection can have this emotional shadow side, no matter what age we are.
But these children don’t have the “benefit” of supposed maturity by being exposed to it so young. This was not a thought process I had to deal with in this way when I was 10 years old. But it is one I am dealing with in my 40’s.
So, on that macro level, can we collectively do better? Can we bring this out of the shadows to take away the shame? Is it up to us - the users - or the platforms themselves?
How do we teach our children, ourselves, to be “better”? Or to at least get more peace? To coexist with others in this space?
For me, it’s more focus on real-life. Processing loneliness as it arises and turning it into solitude by doing activities I enjoy, instead of distracting online with other people. Having strict rules around social media usage - for me anyway. I can set rules for my child, but as he grows, I know I have less and less control over that. And, I have no control over other adults, nor should I.
For maybe that is the biggest lesson in our interconnected world - we can’t change other people or social media platforms. We can offer suggestions and perspectives (change requests & feedback) and applaud if they can be implemented in a way that is in the highest good for the other person and their values and morals (companies goals and bottom lines - ickier, but true).
We can only constantly choose to do what feels right for us - to interact with that person or platform, and if (when) we mess up, offer a kind perspective for ourselves to try better next time (choose to login again knowing the potential consequences or choose to walk away from that platform entirely).
All that being said, I do wish the ability to block someone was consistent across each platform, and perhaps the ability to say “please don’t show me that person (product) over and over because we broke up” existed as a button to circumvent the algorithms. A failsafe. For humanness. For emotions that need time to catch up with logic. For people to co-exist in spaces even (especially) while trying to learn emotional maturity. For parents to have the ability to use it as a resource for their children to help THEM learn emotional literacy in a different way than we did. (“Suck it up! Get over it!” being the old default that didn’t work.)
Because logically, sometimes, even with a lot of love and respect between two people, it just doesn’t work out. And that sucks. And it hurts emotionally. And time and space to process those emotions really is the only way to get through them.
And it can be ugly and raw and vulnerable and NOT meant for the carefully curated feeds we see on social media now.
And perhaps, maybe, THAT, most of all, is the thing we should be showing to prove that we are human.
To connect with each other in vulnerability. To hold each other up and tight and support each other not only in our celebrations of life, but also in the moments where it hurts the most, the moments where logic has no place, only emotions. And to have that be ok.
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash | Cover Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
